All posts by Charlotte Vaughan Coyle

About Charlotte Vaughan Coyle

Charlotte Vaughan Coyle lives in Paris TX and blogs about intersections of faith, culture and politics on her website and her Intersections Facebook page. She is a retired minister for the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) and past president for Coffee Party USA. Charlotte also blogs about Scripture from a progressive Christian approach at her Living in The Story website.

“Change Back”

Psychologist Harriet Lerner describes an interesting dynamic within family systems called the “change back” demand. Whenever any one person takes positive steps to change unhealthy patterns, everyone in the system is also forced to adjust. Lerner points out that even “good” change can be uncomfortable because the behavior patterns of the system become unpredictable and unfamiliar. Thus the demand: “change back.”

What we know is comfortable and what we are used to is predictable. But that which is unfamiliar is disorienting, distressing and distrusted.

A woman who has been abused begins to stand up to her abuser. A man who has been drinking or doing drugs gets sober. A teenager who has carried his parents’ shame learns how to become emotionally independent. An employee who took responsibility for every problem in the office steps back and lets the boss deal with her own consequences. Whenever anyone takes positive steps to change embedded patterns within a system, there often arises a demand to “change back.”

I’ve been remembering Lerner’s insightful work while I’m processing what has been happening in our American society lately.

Here is my take at this point in my process of trying to understand:

America is coming of age. In the past, white male patriarchs have been in charge of all our institutions, governments, businesses and churches. In recent years, more and more of us have been growing into leadership and stepping up to a much fuller participation in our society than ever before.

People of various ethnic, racial and cultural backgrounds are more than ready to share power and to move from the sidelines to the frontlines. We are not children needing a patriarch’s protection. We are mature and fully capable of the full range of participation and leadership. It is time, we say; it is high time.

So the face of American power and influence is changing. We are increasingly White and Black and Brown. We are increasingly male and female, straight and gay, Christian and non-Christian, conservative and liberal. As we mature, America moves away from a neat, homogenous reality and embraces more and more social complexity.

I consider the recent changes within America’s social fabric to be good and healthy. More people are empowered. More people are included. I see this as positive change. In 2008, we called this “change we can believe in.”

But clearly not all of America is ready for this new reality. As some parts of our American social system have changed, other parts feel uncomfortable because the behavior patterns of the system have become unpredictable and unfamiliar to them. As it turns out, change that I-can-believe-in is way too much change way too fast for way too many of my fellow Americans. “Change back!” they cried in 2016.

As a pastor, I was trained in Systems Theory. In this approach to counseling families or working with churches, we seek to discern how various people in a group function in light of how the entire system works. We can’t separate the two; the part and the whole are deeply intertwined.

System Theory prepares counselors and leaders to recognize the fearful, knee-jerk “change back” reaction. We are taught to provide a calm, non-anxious presence in the midst of what-feels-like chaos. We are schooled to keep our focus on the big picture and to help those within the system adjust and adapt to the inevitable changes that growth always brings.

The American reality is dramatically different today than it was in 1776 or 1950. Social change has happened and we can never go back. Even so, the hue and cry to “change back” was strong enough to create a new and different political reality in today’s America. (I fear the movement to “change back” ironically will create some unimagined, undesired changes that will surprise these reactionary voters.)

So in the days ahead, I’m challenging myself to be a calm, non-anxious presence as I was trained to be. I want to try to keep the big picture; to believe that our nation’s social change is a natural thing that will soon enough be widely perceived as good and healthy. I want to patiently and persistently help reluctant Americans accept, adapt and adjust to the inevitable social changes within our society.

We won’t “change back;” we can’t. The movement forward is inexorable – even given these current set backs. And so in these troubled days I’m looking for non-anxious partners to hold the big picture with me; partners who will trust in and work for a future that will be big enough for all of us.

 

Here is an article by Harriet Lerner: Coping With Countermoves” (When you challenge the old rules, anxiety rises like steam.)

Here is an article that explains a bit more about Systems Theory in counseling approaches

Here is an article about how to be a “non-anxious presence.”

 

Charlotte Vaughan Coyle lives in Paris TX and blogs about intersections of faith, culture and politics on her website and Intersections Facebook page. She is national secretary for Coffee Party USA and contributes regularly to the Join the Coffee Party Movement Facebook page.

Charlotte is an ordained minister within the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) and also blogs about Scripture from a progressive Christian approach in her Living in The Story Musings.

 

 

An Apology from an Embarrassed Christian to my non-Christian Friends

We American Christians are not doing a very good job of “christianing” these days. Maybe you could say we haven’t done a good job for our entire history. That would be fair.

I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.

I say this with all sincerity to you, my non-Christian friends who look at us and roll your eyes or scratch your heads or even curse under your breath. You’re right. We Christians suck at this Christian thing.

When I was in seminary, the textbook we read for our History of Christianity course began with the intro: “Throughout Christian history, our history has all too often been anything but Christian.” Yep. Anything but.

So I feel inclined to apologize on behalf of all of us who call ourselves “Christian.” We have consistently failed to act like the Christ whose name we wear.

If you know anything about us, you’ve noticed what a wide range of people, beliefs and behaviors make up this category called “Christian.” Across history. Across the globe. Across so many varied cultures, Christianity can look and act very different from one person, from one group to the next. Just here in America, we run the gamut, you’ve probably noticed.

Since this recent election, I confess I’ve been really angry at American Evangelical Political Christianity. It’s a version of Christianity that I completely reject. I’m embarrassed that such a large percentage of Evangelicals voted for a man who brazenly tramples the classic Christian values of love, kindness, compassion, forgiveness and grace. I still haven’t figured out how these Christian siblings can justify their choice.

But also since this election, I confess my own lack of love, forgiveness and grace toward people who voted differently than I. Instead of trying to understand, I too often stop up my ears and harden my heart. Instead of working toward reconciliation, I’m quick to judge others and arrogantly dismiss them as hopeless. Instead of recognizing the fears that drive them, I let my own fears overwhelm the love that should be flowing into all our brokenness.

So my own version of liberal-leaning, progressive Christianity still hasn’t prevented me from sucking at this Christian thing. And I’m afraid this has been true of too many of us progressive Christians.

Whether we Christians are from the Left or the Right or somewhere in between, we all struggle with arrogance and self-righteousness. We all have our blind spots. We all are human.

We all have consistently failed to act like the Christ whose name we wear. So again – I’m sorry. I’m very sorry.

In Christian parlance, there is another meaning for the word: “apology.” This kind of apology is a confession of our faith, an explanation of our beliefs, a description of how we are called to behave because of our faith and our beliefs.

And so – along with my heartfelt apology for all our failures – I also want to offer this apology, this explanation, this description for Christian faith: “God is Love.”

There. That’s pretty much it.

When you are talking to your Evangelical friends or family members about any of their theological or political positions, ask them how their beliefs align with this understanding of Christianity: “God is Love.”

When you are listening to your progressive friends or family members bash conservatives, ask them how their attitudes align with this understanding of Christianity: “God is Love.”

This kind of love is not a warm fuzzy feeling. This is a tough love, a stubborn grace, a bold humility. It’s a rubber-meets-the-road kindness, welcome, compassion.

Non-Christian friends, please challenge us to live in this kind of love, to live up to our faith, to practice what we preach. Instead of rolling your eyes or scratching your heads or cursing under your breath, hold us accountable to actually represent the Christ whose name we wear. You will be doing us a favor. You will be doing us all a favor.

It’s been difficult for us progressive Christians to watch American Evangelicals wield such wide political power within this current White House. It will be hard for us to see fundamentalist dogma enshrined into the politics and policies of America.

I, for one, will speak out. There are many of us Christians who have been and will continue to stand against mean-spirited, small-minded, short-sighted politics done in the name of our faith.

But I resolve to speak out and stand up in love – not with anger or fear or hate.

I resolve to keep checking my blinders at the door and forcing my eyes and my heart to stay open. I resolve to remain fully aware of my own brokenness and to live in compassion toward the brokenness of the people around me. I resolve to bear authentic witness to the Christ whose name I wear.

So this is what I ask of you: when you see me losing my resolve, call me on it. Call me back to love. May we all always keep calling each other back to love.

 

Charlotte Vaughan Coyle lives in Paris TX and blogs about intersections of faith, culture and politics on her website and Intersections Facebook page. You can subscribe to her blog and/or follow her on Twitter @cvcoyle. Charlotte is national president for Coffee Party USA and contributes regularly to the Join the Coffee Party Movement Facebook page.

Charlotte is an ordained minister within the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) and also blogs about Scripture from a progressive Christian approach in her Living in The Story Musings.

 

 

 

 

A Glass Half Full

The mother-wisdom I used to offer my children is coming back to me: Trouble and Goodness are both always abundant in this world and so the way we engage life depends on how we focus. We can focus our attention and our energy on what is negative and we will live our lives with anxiety, anger and fear. Or we can focus on what is positive and live our lives with gratitude, generosity and hope.

glass-half-full-webWe can say the glass is half empty or we can say the glass is half full. But it’s still the same glass. It’s still the same world. It’s still the same America.

I’ve been struggling to see the good in these days since the election. I’m anxious about the future of our nation. I’m angry that nearly unbridled power is being handed over to mean, ugly men. I’m afraid that our vision of an inclusive, compassionate America will be deeply damaged during the next four years.

I’m struggling to find my balance and to figure out how to focus my attention and energy. If these negative realities take over my vision, then I may become paralyzed; this feeling makes me want to crawl into my shell, pull the covers over my head, put my fingers in my ears and repeat “la-la-la-la…”

But today I will remember that positive realities are also at play. Today I will focus on the good, the healthy and the helpful. I will continue to believe that our collective goodness is greater than the darkness that threatens our nation. Continue reading A Glass Half Full

The Third Day

On the first day, I was in shock. Not because of the gross error of pundits and polls, but because of my overwhelming confusion that my fellow Americans could possibly have voted in favor of a man who embodies such anti-American attitudes and actions.

On the second day, the reality began to settle in. The classic grief cycle was in full swing and my shock and denial moved to anger.

On the third day, I awoke with a glimmer of hope. Continue reading The Third Day

Antidisestablishmentarianism

I learned how to spell antidisestablishmentarianism in the sixth grade. I was so proud of myself. I can still spell it today although it is nowhere near the longest word in the dictionary anymore.dictionary-780x439

Of course I had no clue what it meant and I still have to unpack all the prefixes and suffixes when I think about this odd word all these years later. This word has come back to my vocabulary because Election 2016 has turned out to be a very odd turn in our nation’s history and it demands some new vocabulary.

Some of my friends who voted for Trump say they were voting against the establishment. For a variety of reasons, they are anti-establishment, all for the undoing of the Establishment.

Dissing the Establishment.

Disestablishment. Continue reading Antidisestablishmentarianism

America in Process

I pulled into my parking space next to a small pickup truck. I didn’t notice the bumper sticker on the window until I was getting out of my car. “Hillary for Prison 2016” it said. The driver of the truck was just opening his door to get in and our eyes met. A small older man who smiled and nodded and touched his cowboy hat the way country gentlemen do in my small East Texas community. It was a sweet smile, a real smile. I guess he didn’t notice my bumper sticker. Continue reading America in Process

This Remarkable American Family

A friend of mine cast her ballot in a metropolitan suburb in Texas and she remarked how “remarkable” was the mix of voters who stood in line with her.

I looked around me in awe at the diverse group of citizens there to cast their political opinions. Those with different colors and shades of skin and features, with varying faiths, from any number of occupations and education and economic situations, first time voters and life time voters, mothers with their children, adults honoring elderly parents; all smiling and chatting, all of us knowing that different votes would be cast by those around us. I was so proud to be under the same roof with these remarkable neighbors to exercise this incredible freedom!

Continue reading This Remarkable American Family

Stunning and Outrageous Ignorance

The stunning, outrageous assault upon our fellow Americans continues.

This past week, an Oklahoma legislator orchestrated a McCarthyesque hearing at the State Capitol and blatantly proclaimed (without solid evidence) some local Muslim spiritual leaders and respected Islamic advocacy groups to be “terrorists.” He has said before that: “Islam is a cancer that needs to be cut out of the nation.” Continue reading Stunning and Outrageous Ignorance

Mental Gymnastics

Growing up in a fundamentalist denomination, I know something about mental gymnastics. The particular issues of my religious upbringing were not so much “issues” as they were life and death. A particular way of believing determined who was faithful and who was not; who was in and who was out. There was a certain comfort in thinking we had most all the big questions settled and we cornered the market on truth.

In order to maintain this illusion, we needed to contort our arguments to explain away any facts or evidence or experience that did not align with our fixed notion of reality. But it wasn’t just a contortion of thinking; it was an unconscious contortion of reality itself. The whole enterprise of keeping our balance on this tightrope required our own unique exercise of mental gymnastics.

This is not justification; it is simply confession. And maybe a bit of explanation.

gettyimages-484797712_custom-695b9781e4a550ac0cdd3eba481660feefd333a8-s900-c85Much has been made of the puzzling Evangelical Christian support of Donald Trump. This poster boy for materialism, narcissism and perversion of power contradicts every heretofore voiced value of any authentic expression of Evangelical Christianity. He even mocks the cornerstone Religious Right  issues of abortion and homosexuality by mouthing transparent platitudes that everyone knows deny and spin his actual positions.

Many pundits have pondered the puzzling irony of Mr. Trump’s Evangelical support. My contribution is hardly definitive but I keep going back to this one insight: we humans have an uncanny ability to convince ourselves that just about anything is true/right/good and we can justify even questionable/shady/convoluted means in order to accomplish our self-righteous, pre-determined end.

I  see too many of my Evangelical friends caught in this trap. I think it explains some of the mental gymnastics we see coming from that camp. Mostly though I’m pondering my own culpability in new  forms of mental gymnastics that twist my interpretation of reality into fresh convolutions. I’m wondering what my journey into painful honesty may have taught me in this odd political/social/cultural season in which I  live.

I see two approaches that may help safeguard against unhealthy, unhelpful, unconscious mental gymnastics.

On the one hand  – the more convoluted the reasoning is, the more likely the logic is actually hopelessly illogical.

But then on the other hand – the more simplistic the reasoning is, the more likely it is that multivalent, multidimensional truth is being contorted into untruth.

As to the first challenge, I recognize my own temptation to create elaborate defenses for whatever  I want to believe. These defense mechanisms can trick us into creating a reality of our own invention. (And I’ve noticed that my Liberal friends can be just as defensive as my Conservative friends.)

The second challenge of simplistic thinking comes because it’s so very tempting to  try to divide our lovely  human rainbow variety into boxes of black and white, good and bad, right and wrong when the truth is – we are  all a messy mix all the time.

This conversation is of particular importance these days because of the bizarre presidency of Donald Trump and the toxic and dangerous passion of his supporters. Too many of them sadly support and cheer him on because of their own xenophobia or misogyny or deep seated anger over some real or perceived wrong.

contortionist_ravi_standingBut too many of them support him because of their convoluted mental gymnastics. Trump does not care about protecting the unborn as they pretend to believe he will. He does not care if same gendered people are married. He only cares about himself: his money and his power. And yet too many kind-hearted, sincere believers have allowed themselves to believe he cares about them and their issues.

As a woman, a mother, a grandmother, I denounce the blatant insults Mr. Trump heaps upon other human beings – particularly those who are not male, white, beautiful or wealthy.

As a Christian, I disavow all the insidious mental gymnastics that convolute the truth of the Christ and the Christian faith.

As an American, I challenge any who pretend his leadership will be beneficial for our nation or for the world.

Let’s remember who we are as Americans and reclaim the ideals of welcoming community that is the true foundation of our greatness.  There is a point at which gymnastics becomes a deadly exercise. America has certainly reached that point.

 

 

Ravi the Scorpion Mystic stands on one leg performing his act in Times Square, NYC, 2004

Janie and Charlotte on Religious Liberty #4

Janie and Charlotte were best friends in college. They still maintain a good friendship even though they have very different perspectives on politics, culture and theology.

This is the fourth conversation Janie and Charlotte have had about their different approaches to the First Amendment and Religious Liberty. See the first conversation here, the second conversation here and the third conversation here.

Charlotte asked Janie to respond to her blog: Letter to my Christian Friends Who Are Anxious About Your Religious Liberty. Continue reading Janie and Charlotte on Religious Liberty #4